Two-Face is Dead (Not Tommy Lee Jones)

Michael Jackson, famed destroyer of Macaulay Culkin's childhood and dance auteur, is in Heaven/Hell at age 50.

Spending most of his life being perfectly weird like everyone else, and doing his share to publically raise his children in strange and outlandish ways, much like any Christian family (He was a Jehovah's Witness), Jackson will now be able to escape to a small island off the Ivory Coast where he'll wait to re-appear until songs about Charles Manson and the encroaching wave of light over a sphere earn him enough money to finally perform in front of millions of suddenly disappointed gingivitis sufferers.

Survived by 911 Is a Joke and Good Life, he will live on in the annals of recorded samples for the remaining 9 million heartbeats you have until you die and will be unable to recall anything as you float through oblivion. Lisa Marie Presley, his first wife, is the only living person to know the secret of Jackson's epidermal alchemy and now spends the rest of her days hiding in fear.

Controversial in his day for his use of rhythmic squeezing in promotion of the undead, Michael Jackson's legacy can be remembered for his desire to black out the issues in society which bothered him the most, primarily, the skin color with which he was born.

Any music journalist worth his salt-n-pepa would note that Jackson lived his life, "Precariously. Imagine a candle in the wind being dangled over the edge of a balcony while Huey Lewis and the News looked on. Also, Princess Diana."

Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.
Michael Jackson was a Jehovah's Witness.